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K-Soul

Random thoughts, spoken word, & some humor from K-Soul.

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The Importance of Being Alone

When I was younger it would really bother me when my friends would cancel the plans they had with me. I’ve always been the type to get excited about upcoming plans I had with people I enjoyed spending time with, especially if it was a girl I was interested in. I have a sister who lives in Richmond and I remember making plans with her to go on a cruise a year in advance. I would tell her how excited I was at least once a month prior to actually going on the trip. Lol. Anyway, whenever friends would change their plans on me I would walk around the house moping. My dad would ask me “what’s wrong?” and I would tell him about how disappointed I was now that I couldn’t do what I was planning to do. He would always tell me to just go by myself. This was around my first or second year of high school so I’m thinking “Is he crazy?….I don’t want to look like a loser without friends!” I didn’t know it then, but my dad was teaching me a very important lesson.

My dad challenged me to spend a “night on the town” by myself at least once. I accepted that challenge! I remember taking myself to dinner and a movie one evening. I’m pretty sure it was a Friday night and I recall a bunch of other groups of friends being out and about having a great time and there I was sitting at a table by myself playing with my phone. I kept hoping no one I knew would see me and that I wouldn’t see any attractive girls because I thought it would be embarrassing. Being alone felt weird, foreign, and uncomfortable but I chose to fight through it to prove to my father that I wasn’t afraid to do things by myself. As the evening progressed I found myself becoming more and more comfortable, I actually began to enjoy my time. I people watched, did a lot of thinking, I relaxed, but most importantly I gained a new sense of confidence in myself.

After that night I promised myself that every once in a while I would “date me”. Even today from time to time I enjoy going to the movies or trying new things alone. I realized it was opportunity to discover what I liked without any outside influence. It helped me build confidence and eliminate insecurities, it showed me how to move forward even when people aren’t willing to move with you. I didn’t realize it then but the lesson I learned on that evening alone was critical to the person I am today.

I think it’s important to learn how to be happy being alone. Being alone isn’t the same as being lonely. As a matter of fact if you can master being alone I’m confident that it will minimize the “lonely feeling” many of us have experienced. Too many of us miss out on opportunities and fall into bad relationships because we fear being alone. The best way to conquer fear is to face it. Force yourself to spend time alone. Go see a movie, try a new restaurant, travel, or take a mini road trip, etc. I’ve done all of these things and believe that I am a better person because of it. Being alone is mostly perceived as a negative position to be in. I don’t agree with that. I think that being alone is an important part of developing your individuality. It supports you in becoming self-sufficient, self-loving, and self-relying. Having friends is very important. I think everyone needs friends and family, but I think it’s just as important to discover how important you are to yourself.

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Pain? Pshh….Bring it On!

You know what really sucks? Pain! I’m not talking about physical pain though; I’m referring to emotional hurt. Whether we like to admit it or not, we’ve all experienced disappointment, having our feelings hurt, being rejected, hurt pride, etc. Maybe you really believed in a passionate idea you had and it didn’t work out. Maybe that person that you’ve liked for a while turned you down and started dating someone else. Maybe you really looked up to someone and they let you down. Maybe you’ve been lied to, cheated on, played for a fool, I could go on with countless examples but I think you get the point. We hate how we feel when going through situations that cause us pain and hurt and therefore do everything we can to avoid them.

Since this is my blog I’ll go ahead and admit that I feel like I’ve experienced quite a bit of emotional pain in my life. Now before I go on, let me say that my life is far from the worst and I’m not about to tell you some super sad story that’ll have you tearing up like the end of Toy Story 3. I know that I am truly blessed and won’t complain about my life. That being said, the pain I’ve experienced has come from different situations in my life that I know a lot of you have been through as well. I’ve had a close friend date and sleep with “the girl of my dreams”, I’ve been led on just to be let down, I’ve been rejected repeatedly, I’ve failed, I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been lied to, I even had one girl deny that we were together to someone else because I no longer fit the image of a “cool” boyfriend. Each time I felt pain from these situations I always found myself shutting down and feeling depressed. I didn’t really tell people how I felt. I pretended nothing bothered me, that I was happy, and just absorbed the blows. Even now it’s hard for me to express my feelings because I’m so used to handling it on my own. I would always think “What’s wrong with me?” or “What I am doing wrong?” after ending up in similar situations.


As I get older and gain more experience I’ve come to realize that this whole time I was looking at pain the wrong way.


You probably know this but feeling emotional hurt is normal and natural (Yes even for us men!), it’s something we all go through. Matter of fact without experiencing the pain I’ve felt I would not be the person I am today. It’s like working out at the gym. When I lift with some of my close friends (shout out EJ and Kendrick) and we always challenge each other to lift heavier than we did before. The next day or two I’m always soar and hurting but when I go to lift that same amount of weight again, it’s a little easier. I’ve learned that ME + PAIN = GROWTH! Without my painful experiences I could not have grown into who I am at this very moment. I’ve learned to let toxic people go, to be humble, to be assertive, to walk away, to keep certain people at a distance, not to judge and to choose carefully who I allow to be a part of my life. All of these lessons are the results of me feeling pain.

Today, whenever I experience pain, the feeling sucks but I can’t help but look for the new lesson(s) I’ve learned from it. No one enjoys feeling pain but we have to realize that we have to go through it, and not just go through it but see the value in it. I hate pain but I love the lessons I continue to learn from it. I can tell you that I am no longer afraid of pain. I no longer play the victim to pain. I use pain to evolve and conquer. Pain, if you can hear me…..Bring it on!

Trust Issues Are Your Responsibility

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning about how I feel like you can’t really trust people the way you want to. I feel like so many people seek relationships and connections that only benefit them. I’m referring to any type of relationship whether platonic, romantic, or even family. People are always looking for what THEY can get out of it. I believe that’s why so many relationships don’t work out. 

It boils down to two main things…pride and selfishness. We’re too prideful to recognize our faults, to attempt to change for the better, and to realize that sometimes we are the problem. We love posting quotes like “Accept me for who I am” not realizing we may be horrible people. We’re too selfish and become consumed with what we can get out of a relationship and forget that a relationship requires us to give as well. 


Our generation celebrates memes that show relationship goals as two perfect looking people with matching Jordans and tattoos instead of people with matching focused mindsets. Our generation celebrates physical attractiveness without looking at the heart of a person. I think we forget that “looks” are temporary. Physical attributes have become the main standard while someone’s character has become negotiable and leaves us willing to compromise. I see it all the time. We say “I love you” without the action to back it up. We don’t commit, praise “not catching feelings”, and look at sex as recreational act. No wonder we have some many trust issues. 

No one’s perfect but it’s YOUR responsibility to analyze your relationships (new and old) to protect yourself from heart ache. It’s YOUR responsibility to honestly look at yourself to see if you’re the issues. Its YOUR responsibility to determine if you’re not getting back the same energy you put into a relationship and do something about it (Check out my “Energy” blog). We have to stop playing the victim and start taking control. The unfortunate reality is that you simply cannot trust too freely.

Don’t forget to leave a comment! I want to know your thoughts on this!

Prep for your future relationship!

I was talking to one of my married friends who’s always giving me advice in order to prep me for that one day that I MAY/POSSIBLY get married. He said one of the realest statements I’ve heard in a while. He said “The person you are now is the person you will be when you end up in a relationship!” Man! That makes perfect sense! We all know people can change but we also know that change takes time. Make sure you take a hard look at yourself before searching for “the one”….and make sure you even look at “the one” before awarding them that position in your life. I’m not talking about being perfect but more so if you can be a better communicator, be willing to compromise, if you’re selfish or not, if you have issues committing, being a good listener…you know the basic relationship ingredients people always talk about. I’m nowhere near an expert when it comes to relationships but 90% of my friends are married and constantly giving me advice like this and it’s working for them.

Before a person becomes a doctor there are certain things they have to learn, steps they have to take and experiences they have to encounter before they are ready and prepared to be doctors. It’s the same thing for us singles. We must go through certain situations and learn from them, we have to take time to take an honest look at ourselves and make changes that help us become better suited for that relationship we want to have. We have to prepare! Just like you would prepare for a job interview or a presentation, prepare yourself for the marriage that you want….if that’s what you’re looking for of course.

My friend who inspired this post is Jeremy Caruthers (that’s him and his wife in the picture). Follow his blog as well for some good inspiration. (Jeremy’s Blog)

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Choose “To Fail” or “To Regret”

I was doing some thinking last night, pondering about regret and the types of regrets that older people sometimes end up with. If you ever take the time to talk to someone 30 – 40 years older than you are and living with regret you’ll notice that all of their regrets are usually intangible. They always wish they would’ve tried harder, took something or someone more seriously, practiced more, traveled more frequently, fell in love, took more risk etc.

I think sometimes my generation, and I’m guilty of this too, tends to make a lot of decisions based on tangible rewards. Getting degrees in fields we aren’t passionate about, taking jobs for the best paycheck possible, establishing relationships based on physical features, spending less time doing what we love to do in order to do something we “sort of enjoy”, not taking enough risk in order to be safe. Are we just setting ourselves up for a life full of regret(s)?  Are we missing out by chasing the wrong things, the wrong people, and the wrong goals? Are we adding to the list of regrets that we may already have? Well it’s not too late to do something about it.

We have to push past the fear of stepping out of our comfort zones and beyond our safety nets. Follow that dream that you’re passionate about, travel to that place you’ve always wanted to go, talk to the crush you’re always too nervous to approach, start that business idea you’ve had for years, start checking off your bucket list. The worse that can happen is that you fail.

I’m currently reading “Rich Dad Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki. In the book he states “Winners are not afraid of losing, but losers are. Failure is part of the process of achieving success. People who avoid failure also avoid success.” MIND BLOWING!!! We must fail in order to succeed in order to end up with little to no regret. Don’t be afraid to fail and don’t end up with a pile of regrets at the end of your life!

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The Law of Conservation of Energy

In high school I loved science; it was definitely my favorite subjects after gym and lunch. One thing I remember from my physics class is the “Law of Conservation of Energy” which states that energy cannot be created or destroyed but can only transform from one state to another. It got me thinking about how we give certain people so much of ourselves sometimes and never get the same from them in return. We transfer this energy over to relationships, jobs, helping those in need, etc. and never get the opportunity to collect the same type of energy in return. We do this for the wrong people and for the wrong reasons so much that when the right people and right reasons come along we having nothing left to give.  By that time we’ve been let down, betrayed and hurt so much and don’t realize that so much negative energy has been transferred over to us. It’s why people sometimes become bitter and selfish; they have no positive energy left to give and can’t just create new energy.

We often exchange good energy for bad energy then end up waiting for someone or something to give us some of that same positive energy we gave so freely in the past. It’s simple science. Make sure the people and situations in your life are worth giving your energy to and that you’re getting something similar in return. If you’re always giving positive energy yet never receiving the same, it may be time to make some changes in your life. Too often we allow negative energy to be given to us we we’re worth so much more than that. Learn to be strong enough and wise enough to cut the negative out of your life. Remember energy can’t be created or destroyed; it can only transfer from one state to another.

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